CONTROVERSY - THE PERILS OF DATING: Getting Out Of Your Own Way

Ok...by now, we've all seen the commercials for EHarmony.com or Match.com, Chemistry.com, etc., etc....

Everyone...is looking for someone it seems. There are a lot of single people out there, a lot of divorces happening...but regardless, everyone wants to be loved. Some, by more than a few people, but thats a whole other post. LOL.


It's an inherent human need....to be loved. Its also a need to be wanted and desired.

In researching for this post, I delved into the behaviorism of my single/divorced friends and colleagues and I also thought back to my own single-dom. It actually taught me a few things. I'm always willing to learn, as long as it teaches me something, whether good or bad...and these are the few things I've learned. This is only my opinion on this; I'm sure you have your own. ;)


SELF CONFIDENCE VS. PRETENSE:  It seems good intentions come right outta the gate when trying to date/mate. With mostly good intentions, people do try to "connect" with someone else. They seek in each other, similarities, traits, desires, lifestyles, attractiveness, etc. However in doing this, it seems these two well-intentioned people end up {whether purposely or non-intentionally} misleading each other as to who they really are. They do this by putting only their positive attributes forward during their first meeting{s}. Now, of course you shouldnt be dishing on your or others' negative aspects {we all have them} and they will be brought forth eventually---at least, by the honest people who are serious about a relationship. But, some....level of that truly honest part of yourself SHOULD be forthcoming BEFORE you can truly move forward in dating or to develop a good relationship. Because most people withhold this information, the next scenario inevitably happens, which is the biggest destructive vice of all.

DISHONESTY:...is born out of the ashes of not being honest, LOL. Some wear their hearts on their sleeves and others just wanna hide, surprise, deny, cheat or defy.

For instance, if you're married, you have no business nor right trying to date; if you even feel the need for something/someone else, self-reflect and figure out why, THEN make a decision to either re-kindle your current marriage {if possible} OR become single FIRST, then date.

Another is....if you're "dating" others, its only moral, ethical and fair to inform those you are also dating of your practice...especially if there's physical intimacy going on.

Also, if you don't feel a connection or attraction OR if you know this is someone you could try to like but really actually don't, then you should be honest enough {not just with this person, but with yourself} to leave the situation {hopefully} as a friendly one and not give false hope nor credence to a future with this person. Its NOT a good situation for either party and a monumental waste BOTH of your time, you life and your emotions, which could lead to cheating, divorce, violence, hurt feelings, etc. It can get really ugly.

A further example is getting someone by dishonesty...whether man/woman sharing, cheating or playing games or playing people against each other, its a deal breaker for most and a regretful course of events that leaves a trail of bitterness, regret, anger and REAL broken hearts. Be HONEST...if you're lying to yourself, how and WHY should anyone else believe in you.


Patti Stanger {The Millionaire Matchmaker...yeah, yeah...I like her; a lot of her statements bear true...she needs to take her own advice to see if it works...LOL} has said this once and I believe it also: 

"How the relationship FIRST starts sets the precedent for the REST OF that relationship." 

It's true. If it starts with honesty and really true emotions, it has a much MUCH higher chance of success. Its not gonna be all roses and sunshine all the time, its not a perfect world...but, as opposed to starting it in a dishonest way, it will HIGHLY and most likely end in dismal FAILURE.


If its lies in the beginning, the relationship may be full of lies. If you cheat in the beginning, it MAY continue. If you weren't in love, its not likely to change...it may, but it may follow yrs and yrs of painful adjustments and indiscretions. One person I know is only in her marriage for the sake of her children alone. If it weren't for her children, she would NOT be with this man.

Not ideal situations in any of those cases...although, they could be salvaged if both parties were COMPLETELY HONEST or they were at least honest with themselves. HONESTY...is the BEST policy.

DATING VS. MARRIAGE: A lot of people think that dating means they should just continue to date for years until they are ready..or they may NEVER be ready. That's fine too, if you choose to date for the rest of your life...but REMEMBER THIS: 

If you're NOT married, then you're single...even if you're dating someone, you AND THEY are still LEGALLY single; hopefully, monogamous, but still SINGLE. Even, if you date for a long period of time before you marry, you are more likely to end up in divorce or split up...go figure. {see the Patti statement above for that one; although never-married Patti also just ended her engagement after SIX YEARS; she's now complaining about being too old {she's 49, I believe} to have her own children after wasting years with this man and others. This happens ALL THE TIME.

Its not that difficult to steal someone who only "dating" someone else. Why can't they see someone else, they are single, right...no?! Some may call that a committed relationship, but its really another form of still "dating" that person. AGAIN....this may be fine and this certainly isnt calling dating couples serial cheaters, but...they fact remains, they are single. I know some may be up in arms about this, but...it is what it is.

What is the definition of dating? Your either know or you don't...be HONEST. How long are you gonna date someone who is really...SINGLE. AND...if you are single, what is the hold up? They {or you} could be looking elsewhere and you are just...dating and waiting...for?! what exactly. There should be a purpose to dating {which is marriage}. You should get to know each other and at least be monogamous, but remember, within a reasonable period of time, you should know whether this has a marital future or not and MOVE FORWARD. Otherwise, you're taking a real chance of wasting your life...for real. I've heard of people dating for ten YEARS, then breaking up...what a WASTE..of your LIFE. You can NOT get that back---AND that is also your youth, child-bearing age {for women}, its NOT a good idea at all to waste your life wondering, running wild....and NOT settling down. 


This is the vetting that the very gifted Evia Moore talks about...for women, but this also applies to men. There's a period in your life when you run wild, but time NOT ONLY sneaks up on you, it flies by before you even know it.


For those who are against marriage, that's fine. As long as you realize {or ignore} that you're dating or "in a long-term relationship" with a SINGLE person; you are single also and marriage may be just a piece of paper, so that's cool if that's what you prefer....it really is. 

If you are against marriage, don't write me saying you're against my view of dating...as you have a choice and an opinion, I also have mine. 

I know someone who was dating a man for four years...she came home one day, he moved out and was quickly ENGAGED {and eventually married} to someone else...I comforted her, but had also told her previously that she had no foundation with this man...he was one of those who considered himself single {and HE WAS} and moved on...she merely kept him company until he found what he wanted. Sad, but true.

And NO...being in a dating relationship is NOT the same as being married...having a girlfriend/boyfriend is NOT the same as having a wife/husband. For those who don't know the difference, there's no words to help you understand it...you have to KNOW it.


Husband/Wife have not only legal protections, but also made a commitment to each other in front of God, family and friends. Even atheists get married. It's not just a piece of paper, its an institution, it's a feeling of belonging to another, its CHILDREN, hearth, HEART and HOME. Its an exclusive of pride and a sense of belonging, not just to each other, but a very enviable part of society that even those who are NOT allowed to marry want to be a part of.....IF it is rooted in HONESTY and LOVE. And don't start on the statistics of one out of two marriages or more ending in divorce...if HONESTY and PURE LOVE were at the forefront, those statistics would be lower; also re-read the dishonesty post aforementioned for other a few other reasons why this may be...nothing is foolproof nor perfect...AND one out of the two DOES work, that's FIFTY PERCENT...look at the positive and keep your mind positive.


This isn't knocking single people out there, though...not AT ALL. Its their CHOICE. But legally, boyfriend/girlfriend share their emotions, bodies...they even share kids...they share a house or apartment, coffeemaker and cars, perhaps...they share THINGS and an UNDERSTANDING {or not}....and the truth actually is...people that "date" break up at an astronomical rate more than those who are married, because its more short term {one to three dates, perhaps to weeks to months to yrs...but MUCH more frequent than marriages}. Its just not as recorded nor reported. Some do work and marry and live happily ever after...some even NEVER marry and live happily ever after...its not impossible, but highly unlikely.

It's important to know that you're actually ready for a relationship with hopes of marriage or lifetime dating if that's what you prefer. YES, it is about compromise...no one person is perfect and exactly what we were looking for; heck, we are NOT perfect.

You've watched Judy Judy...all those programs. First thing she asks is if they had a RELATIONSHIP...that they dated for X amount of years....and then they split up PROPERTY, she scorns them about playing house then asking the courts to make it fair...and it cant even be done fairly in most cases because its all materialistic in nature. Its THINGS.

That's the bottom line, though....that's what dating is in comparison to marriage and not just from a legal standpoint.


DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME: It all seems like all fun and games; don't get me wrong, you should have your fun...life is about having fun...but its not ALL ABOUT playing games or wasting time. There comes a time to grow up and take steps to plan and secure your future. 

From about {age 23-27 for women, 28 for men to about age 35 for women, 36-40+ for men}...those ages of people seem to go through each other like changing their clothes...playing games, cheating, abandonment, wasting time, just kickin' it, being irresponsible, etc., etc. Then, before you know it, you reach adulthood and the landscape has changed, you're looking back at your life wondering where the time and possibilities has gone and what to do now.


Yes, people change and life happens...but if the foundation of the love you've chosen is solid, it is but another challenge for you to overcome. Easier said than done, of course, but not impossible. Love does conquer all...IF it is LOVE rooted in HONESTY.

COMMUNICATION: There are a lot of people playing games out there...in this age of technology, its a dag-gone NASTY place to date. The degrading art of texting is just one example...people cheating by texting, breaking up by texting, SEXTING, its just a slippery slope of shame.

Social networking sites has really done a GREAT disservice to human interaction and behavior as well...it has been nothing less than destructive and dividing.

There was and STILL IS a time when people TALKED and SPOKE to each other...its intimate, its straightforward {IF you are HONEST} and a lot can be solved or made clear with honest communication. 

Something like texting does the opposite. Its terribly impersonal as is most online communique. You can't tell TRUE emotions as well through these forums.

Texting is TELLING, not TALKING, not speaking nor even conversing...ever notice sometimes when you text, there's never really an end to the conversation nor a reply. It's left unsaid or unaddressed. This certainly wouldn't happen if speaking in person or even on the phone...{save fighting} you wouldn't just walk away and not respond...texting can be fun...but there is NO substitute for human touch, contact or communication.


Communication is personal, one-on-one AND ongoing process that {hopefully} has a means to an end. Its more intimate and therefore a PLUS.

The truth also counts for a TON in effective communication. Its IMPORTANT to be TRUTHFUL in your communication otherwise, again, you're wasting your time and efforts. Who wants to be with a liar and game-player...that shit gets OLD and even despicable once you reach adulthood...and by adulthood, I mean when you look at your life and have the dreams, achievements and loves in your life that you'd always wanted and you're CONTENT with this life you and your significant other has made...{as much as that is possible.}

TRUST YOURSELF: Most times, you're instincts really can tell when you're on to something...and when you're not. For women, this tends to make us want to "stick things out"; for men, this make them want to "fix it"; both scenarios are dangerous and folly to waste your precious time and life on.

Don't lose yourself NOR your ideals in your pursuit of happiness. 


Women....don't ignore what you're gut nor natural born instincts tell us...if its seems too good to be true, it most likely is. If you're already doubtful of his intentions, its probably right to doubt it...OR you allow him to EARN your trust...don't just give the benefit of the doubt...be subtle about it.


Men....you get what you settle for...dating for looks, you're gonna end up with more than you bargained for...more than you can handle OR more than you can afford. Take her for granted, blink and she's gone, she's GONE. Run around or cheat, its coming back at you and much worse than you dished it out and when you least likely expect OR want it to happen; AND guys, it'll most likely be from the one you TRULY loved. Its almost certain to leave you SINGLE...and you don't age in reverse...the older a man gets, the younger he thinks he is and tries to behave.

IN CONCLUSION: It's funny...people have seen these things happen around to others, even to themselves...yet, like lambs to slaughter, they try to make this same non-working conditions or situations work differently to their favor...it rarely if ever does. It's almost like they never learned their lesson...like, they have to learn it the hard way...through experience. 

But, enough about "them". In hindsight, did we....ARE WE making the right decisions; maybe its time to for us to self-reflect. 

Maybe its time to thank God for what you have and not focus on what you think we don't have. Maybe its time to stop playing games with our LIFE and make a solid decision to LIVE, not merely EXIST.

Remember to be HONEST, DON'T SETTLE for anything less than being TRUE to yourself and also COMMUNICATE. 

If its the real deal, you'll KNOW IT when you FEEL IT. And if you don't feel it.....{re-read the above post.}


Good luck.